Dear Golfer,

First on the tee, a joke sent in by Steve Morris from Canterbury...

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.
"Damn it! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."
The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.
"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"
On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again, the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.
"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.
As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.
From the sky comes a booming voice: "Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!"

A Golfing Confession

Dear Golf God in heaven,

Please forgive me my sins. I am playing blooming awfully at the moment. I have waited long, cold months, miserable months – playing in ice cold, gale force winds, torrential rain, on frozen turf and temporary greens – and now the sun is shining and I cannot hit the ball straight, I cannot putt within a foot, and to add insult to injury my hayfever is now kicking in so I cannot even see through my tears. 

Is this punishment? I ask myself. I know I am not perfect. I know that sometimes I shout “Fore” just for the fun of shouting “Fore”, but I swear that I did not shout “ Fore” last Saturday just to make the club captain on the 9th fluff his “alleged” birdie putt. I would not do that – never!  Also I was not aiming for Reg as I struck my 3 iron and he magically appeared from the trees.

Golf God, I am a good and honest golfer, guilty only of the crime of using my mobile phone in the clubhouse or walking inside in my golf shoes. I will try to be a better golfer, but please Golf God, let me hit a sweet drive, and sink a birdie this weekend. Please....

So my friends, get out on those fairways, and enjoy your golf. I hope the Golf God is looking favourably down on you. If you are in need of divine inspiration just watch Tiger below. Ah yes don't forget to email me your jokes, thoughts and funny pictures by clicking here and you could be teeing off with some brand new Srixon balls next month - that's what ken did! Happy golfing my friends.

Best wishes Hamish McBirdy :)